I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
