period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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