Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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