she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
