I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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