Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
