Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
