after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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