the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
