i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
