fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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