my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize