worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
