i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
