I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
