I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Someone came in the potted fern
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
