There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
