What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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