felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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