so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
