i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
