well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
