As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
