my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
