i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
