The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
