I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dicks are not precious.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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