someone threw a dead crab at me
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
