My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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