the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
