Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
