Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
