This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
