someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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