We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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