I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
