After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
