why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
