I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize