Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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