Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
