I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He felt like a one man threesome
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
