Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
