god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
