it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
