It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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