So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
