Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
