idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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