I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
