I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
