I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
