This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
