When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
