I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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