you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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